31 Days with Desserts

The awaited return. A glorious triumph. A celebrated revive.

None of these accurately describe the cycling shambles that I have become.

No awaited return involves an €18 breakfast on a ferry.

No glory is to be had from overpriced trains from Portsmouth.

And there is no celebration in a Greggs cheese, bean and sausage pasty.

However.

Here are 10 things I learnt in France

• The French periodic table has Bu (the element Butter) in place of the primary component of life Carbon - this is delicious and overwhelming

• Old men nod and young men wink, neither seems to have a flirtatious agenda, and the winking increases exponentially as levels of alcohol increase

• It IS possible to over-indulge on pastry, my daily limit being 4 Pain au Chocolate, 2 Croissants and 2 Pain au Swiss

• A baguette fits perfectly in a rolled up camping mat

• France is occasionally mind numbingly straight and flat and boring

• Bike packers are all up their own arses

• The sugar levels in Ice Tea will fuck, you, up

• I can do more miles in the rain than the sun, and ride faster in the dark - fear is a great motivator and badgers love to be chased

• There’s more castles in the south of France than I could shake a baguette at (no bread could survive such relentless waggling)

• The French roundabout system is abject chaos (this deserves a whole email of its own - I have feelings about this)

I am back and I am keen to tattoo.